Round two...

Officially starts today, yup the wonderful AF decided to show late Fri. Happy late Christmas to me which was day one putting today at CD3, when they wanted to see me again. I go in this morning bright and early with no appt. (since they don't pick up on the weekends to make an appt.) thankfully traffic wasn't to bad I couldn't deal with that too. I finally get called back and they thought I was there for a BETA , which is what I should have been there for :(. So I had to talk about it again and hear the I'm sorry's which is nice don't get me wrong it's just hard. At first they were saying I didn't need to come in and I thought I was going to loose it. I had to explain to them that my RE and nurse agreed they wanted me to come in on CD3 to make sure everything was clear and no cysts before getting started, then they saw my point.

Finally I go back for the ultrasound and I had to hear once again from the Tech. how sorry she was and if I was ok. Yes I was until you talk about it again which makes me tear up all over again, but it was nice for her to ask. She checks everything and everything was clear there are around 8 follies on each side under 10mm which is good and will probably stay in place to mature. I didn't get a chance to talk to our nurse for she wasn't there yet but I did get a script for the BCP for now. I guess she will get the word I was in today and work our schedule to send to me and get more meds ordered.

Today is DH's birthday it just breaks my heart I wasn't able to give him the Christmas/birthday miracle he wanted so badly. He's been amazing through it all I don't know if I would be able to continue without him. I'm scared to death to do this all over again I don't know that I can handle the devastation again. On the other hand I feel that if I don't I will never have peace knowing we did all we could and more answers. We have two more tries with insurance I pray to God with everything it happens so we don't have to think about the next steps.

I wish I could get out of this funk I've been in for the past few weeks. Christmas wasn't even the same this year I was late with everything including shopping which never happens. I was just in no mood for any of it. We were supposed to find out about our Christmas miracle not preparing for another round of IVF.

Follow up

As much as I wanted answers I did not want to walk into that office . Our RE calls us back and we sit and of course he starts with the I'm sorry. Well that's great but I don't want to hear that. He then starts to go over the cycle and saying how everything looked great and my lining was a perfect carriage, wow that made me feel better! Then he tells us DH's little guys were perfect with the number and shape and all that so that left one thing....me!! I lost it I didn't expect it to be so hard to hear even though I thought I had prepared myself for it. He did say we did have some good ones they just weren't mature enough for fertilization, which that goes back to the meds. He wasn't telling us it wasn't possible but with only one try there really isn't nothing to compare it to. If we do another round and the same thing happens then we will have better answers. He couldn't give much explanation on the eggs for they are genetically determined which they don't analyze. But he did say there were some things that we could change with meds and in the lab. He wants to give it another try and this time no Lupron it made my estrogren drop to low in the beginning and left a space until the others could bring it back up. He is also going to increase the dose on the Bravelle and Menopur to get more mature eggs. My highest ones were only around 21mm and a lot of 17 - 18mm so our goal is to get them all to the mid 20's and more. So now we wait for AF to show, they want me back on CD3 to check for cysts before starting the pill, then we will do BCP for 21 days again, and then start with the stimulation for IVF#2. So we are looking at a Feb. time frame for retrieval now. Now it's making me wonder since they up'ed my retrieval by three days and cut out those extra meds if that would have made a difference or not. So many what if's and no answers :(.

It's over

The last two embies we were holding onto didn't make it either :(. Our RE finally called with the news and wanted to see us in person to go over everything. He still seems optimistic and thinks it will be better to talk in person, right I can't talk to him over the phone without bawling how is this going to be better?

It's a loooong way down

Our hopes were so high for success between our RE telling us everything looked perfect he knew it would work, our nurse telling us she knew we'd have a great outcome, and after all the reading knowing we'd get lucky just like most people on their first attempt with IVF. We put it so high up there we never imagined how much the fall down would hurt.

The RE that did the retrieval called to give us the initial report. When he started the conversation off with "I wish I had better news" I didn't want to hear another thing he had to say. My eyes instantly filled up and my throat lumped up. He said they inseminated five of the embies using ICSI where the place a single sperm into the egg (increases the chances) and none of them made it to fertilization :(. He then said they did two more yesterday and they would watch overnight to see if they take. If they do we will proceed with the transfer when they are ready, if not it's over!

Those were the worst words ever I couldn't believe what he was telling me. He said our RE would call today with the new results and hopefully they'd have a reason as to why this was happening. Having to relay that information to DH broke my heart I didn't want to tell him but knew I had to. I couldn't pretend anymore that it would be ok and they would figure out why and fix it. Because I don't even know if that's possible now. We are crushed by the news and the RE said on the phone the other two they did yesterday might not make it either. We don't even get the chance to finish the IVF now :(.

All we can do now is pray that they find out why and hopefully it's something that can be fixed. Deep down we are still clinging on the hopes of the last two making it and we can actually proceed but know it's probably not reality. After almost three years of TTC, almost a year with the RE, and 6 IUI's, we find this out. I just want answers!!!

Retrieval day

The day started off good I woke in time to get some breakfast before the cut off when I couldn't have anything. Since we live a few hours away we left early to make sure we got there in enough time. Don't you know that didn't matter after sitting in almost three hours of traffic we were scared to death we were going to miss it. I called to let them know which they said was fine we were still on so that made us feel a little better. When we finally got there it wasn't long before we were called back. We went into a recovery room where I changed into a gown, hat, and booties to get ready. A little bit after that the nurse was there asking questions and going over everything while we waited for the the Anesthesiologist. We waited a while for him to come in and in the mean time DH was called to give his "goods" so he was gone for a while. When he came back the Anesthesiologist finally came in and got the IV going. This man was God everything about him was wonderful. I didn't feel a thing and unlike the lovely nurse that tore my arm up he knew what he was doing and it didn't even leave a mark.

After he got the IV going they let me rest for a while then it was time to go. The Anesthesiologist came and got me and DH went another way to wait. He took me into the OR where there were tons of nurses asking me tons of questions. Before I knew what was going on I asked the Anesthesiologist if he had done something and of course he did and told me to just lay back. That's all I remember nothing after that and nothing until I was back in the recovery room and DH was there. I woke up crying LOL not sure why DH said I was crying when he came in there and thought something had gone wrong. Guess that's just my bodies natural reaction since I cry at everything. So after laying there for a while with a heating pack on my stomach it was time to get up and walk. This was not easy and thankfully they didn't make me go far.

During that time the nurse came in and said they got 10 embies YAY!! We were very pleased and they assured us that was a good number. After I started coming to more I had to get up to get dressed so we could go. That's when the pain started it was the worst cramps I had EVER felt EVER. I made the nurse give me something before we left since it was such a long drive home. That kicked in in no time thank God!!

Knowing I wouldn't be able to sit still after that we decided to go to a friends X-Mas party. They were quite surprised to see us, they knew what was going on and have been so much of a support for us. We weren't there long before the meds were starting to ware off and we had to head out. DH then made me go home and rest the rest of the night. He was a good boy :).

We're booked

Retrieval is all set for Sat. and they finally called with a time. We are set for 3:30pm and I got my instructions about not eating or drinking, what I can and can't wear, and how early to get there. They also gave me the trigger instructions which were for 4:45AM, wow!! DH got up and got everything ready while I prepared myself HAHA! When we were all set his first attempt didn't go through so he had to do it again, the second didn't go either, by this time he only had one more try left. Third times a charm and it finally went in. The actual needle and meds didn't hurt at all just the inital poke. It was sore afterwards and hurt to lay on that side but went away in no time. Today it's still a little sore and now I have three hole marks on my butt!!



Here is how it started out you can see the needle a little I didn't get one with the top off sorry! We drew back to the 2 mark with the water.

It's a date

I got the final phone call this afternoon and we are are set for the retrieval on Sat. YYYIIIPEEE!!!!! I was getting a little worried because they were talking about one more night of the injections which would have made the trigger tomorrow night and the retrieval Sun. instead. With my wonderful DH's schedule it would have messed us up and left him working on the transfer days. I was VERY relived she said it would be tonight.

So we are to trigger tonight, which will be the first IM (ouch) and no more meds not even the aspirin, amen!!! I'm waiting now on a call from the office where they will do the procedure at for an actual time but it will probably be morning, hopefully! Then our nurse said I'll get a call Sun. how the embies are doing and she'll call me Mon. with another update and when the transfer will be.

We are VERY excited and can't wait for Sat. :). I'll be sure to get some pics of the wonderful IM shot for tonight!!

Another battle wound

I had another follow-up appt. on Sat. and the oh so pleasant, nice, and wonderful (joking) IV lady filling in, really did her job. She was so rushed and rude I knew it wasn't going to be good. Every appt. starts out by doing blood work so when they called me back and I saw the usual girls weren't there I wanted to run. After getting what she needed I told her the bleeding hadn't stopped but she didn't care she just slapped some 1/2 sticky tape on me and walked away. So into the room I go with blood all over the place and of course on my white shirt. Thankfully when the Ultrasound Tech. came in she said "oh my gosh" and got me a new gauze and some real tape. I told her how pleasant the experience was ;). After all the that the rest of the appt. was great everything is still on track and the follies are doing good. I was to continue the same meds Sat. and Sun. night and another follow-up Mon.

Here's proof of the wonderful job she did!

Slight change

After yesterday's follow-up appt. there has been a slight change in the meds. The appt. was for blood work and an ultrasound, all routine. During the ultrasound the Tech. stated there was a little fluid in my lining, which they would need to watch. She didn't sound alarmed and said it could just simply go away, hopefully! Right now it looks like the meds are doing what they are supposed to there are approximately four follies on the right and five on the left. After reviewing my blood work my nurse decided it was time to cut out the Lupron all together for it was suppressing me to fast. She also increased the Bravelle dosage to 150IU from the original 75IU, the Menopur stays the same at 75IU for now. I have another follow-up tomorrow morning we will see what happens then.

Tomorrow will approximately one week until the transfer YYIIIPPEEE!!!!! (if everything stays on track that is).

Adding to the mix

Last night was my first night for the Bravelle and Menopur. I've done the Bravelle shots before and I don't know how I could have forgotten how bad they burned. I had no problems mixing each one up and the actual needle didn't hurt a bit. But boy when you push the plunger the real fun begins :).

This is one of the two sets

And this is with both and all that's needed to mix them

Lupron evaluation

Today's appointment went great the Ultrasound Tech. said so far everything looks perfect. I got the ok to continue with the Lupron and the go ahead to start the Bravelle and Menopur YAY!! The Lupron is getting cut back from 20 units to 5 units and we are doing 75IU of Bravelle and Menopur (1cc). My next check will be Thursday the 4th for another evaulation and adjust the dosages if needed.

So the new schedule is:

12-1 - 20 units Lupron (AM)
- 75IU Bravelle and Menopur (PM)

12-2 and 12-3 - 5 units Lupron (AM)
- 75IU Bravelle and Menopur (PM)

12-4 - 5 units Lupron (AM) - Appointment
- PM dose will depend on appointment

What is Lupron?

Description: Lupron is part of the process to stimulate multiple eggs for assisted reproductive technologies.

How It Works: Lupron is administered as a subcutaneous injection using insulin syringes. For the role it plays in assisted reproductive technologies, Lupron is used to reduce the amount of estrogen and testosterone in the body.

Potential Side Effects: Side effects that may occur includes hot flashes or sweating, mood swings, nausea, vomiting, breast tenderness, insomnia, headaches, and injection site reaction (redness, itching, and swelling at the injection site). That explains the bumps!!

This is my morning ritual.