They arrived

Finally!! Menopur and Bravelle start tonight......now to remember how to mix it. It was overwhelming at first but not so bad once I got it sorted! Let the fun begin :).

Almost time

I finally took my last BCP on the 18th and had a follow-up on the 19th to make sure everything was clear. After unexpected traffic on a holiday and a Nurse tiff I finally go back for the ultrasound. The Tech. said everything looked great and was quiet just how they wanted. I met with another Nurse to get my med. schedule and go over the dosage. Looks like nothing but baby aspirin and a pre-natal until the 23rd then the Bravelle and Menopur will start. I have another follow-up on the 25th and we wait for the follies to reach at least 14mm before starting the Ganirilex.

Now I'm waiting on the goods to come (meds) so I can sort everything and get it straight in my head again. Bring on the shots!!!

New schedule

Finally!!! This time we are throwing out the Lupron and doing injections plus Ganirilex. For now it's just BCP until the 18th then another check on the 19th before getting started. Hopefully (everything crossed) our dates stay set for retrieval on Feb. 3rd and either a 3-day transfer on the 6th or a 5-day on the 8th. We pray extra hard it actually works this time and we get further than we did the first time.

Bring on the shots!!!!

Round two...

Officially starts today, yup the wonderful AF decided to show late Fri. Happy late Christmas to me which was day one putting today at CD3, when they wanted to see me again. I go in this morning bright and early with no appt. (since they don't pick up on the weekends to make an appt.) thankfully traffic wasn't to bad I couldn't deal with that too. I finally get called back and they thought I was there for a BETA , which is what I should have been there for :(. So I had to talk about it again and hear the I'm sorry's which is nice don't get me wrong it's just hard. At first they were saying I didn't need to come in and I thought I was going to loose it. I had to explain to them that my RE and nurse agreed they wanted me to come in on CD3 to make sure everything was clear and no cysts before getting started, then they saw my point.

Finally I go back for the ultrasound and I had to hear once again from the Tech. how sorry she was and if I was ok. Yes I was until you talk about it again which makes me tear up all over again, but it was nice for her to ask. She checks everything and everything was clear there are around 8 follies on each side under 10mm which is good and will probably stay in place to mature. I didn't get a chance to talk to our nurse for she wasn't there yet but I did get a script for the BCP for now. I guess she will get the word I was in today and work our schedule to send to me and get more meds ordered.

Today is DH's birthday it just breaks my heart I wasn't able to give him the Christmas/birthday miracle he wanted so badly. He's been amazing through it all I don't know if I would be able to continue without him. I'm scared to death to do this all over again I don't know that I can handle the devastation again. On the other hand I feel that if I don't I will never have peace knowing we did all we could and more answers. We have two more tries with insurance I pray to God with everything it happens so we don't have to think about the next steps.

I wish I could get out of this funk I've been in for the past few weeks. Christmas wasn't even the same this year I was late with everything including shopping which never happens. I was just in no mood for any of it. We were supposed to find out about our Christmas miracle not preparing for another round of IVF.

Follow up

As much as I wanted answers I did not want to walk into that office . Our RE calls us back and we sit and of course he starts with the I'm sorry. Well that's great but I don't want to hear that. He then starts to go over the cycle and saying how everything looked great and my lining was a perfect carriage, wow that made me feel better! Then he tells us DH's little guys were perfect with the number and shape and all that so that left one thing....me!! I lost it I didn't expect it to be so hard to hear even though I thought I had prepared myself for it. He did say we did have some good ones they just weren't mature enough for fertilization, which that goes back to the meds. He wasn't telling us it wasn't possible but with only one try there really isn't nothing to compare it to. If we do another round and the same thing happens then we will have better answers. He couldn't give much explanation on the eggs for they are genetically determined which they don't analyze. But he did say there were some things that we could change with meds and in the lab. He wants to give it another try and this time no Lupron it made my estrogren drop to low in the beginning and left a space until the others could bring it back up. He is also going to increase the dose on the Bravelle and Menopur to get more mature eggs. My highest ones were only around 21mm and a lot of 17 - 18mm so our goal is to get them all to the mid 20's and more. So now we wait for AF to show, they want me back on CD3 to check for cysts before starting the pill, then we will do BCP for 21 days again, and then start with the stimulation for IVF#2. So we are looking at a Feb. time frame for retrieval now. Now it's making me wonder since they up'ed my retrieval by three days and cut out those extra meds if that would have made a difference or not. So many what if's and no answers :(.

It's over

The last two embies we were holding onto didn't make it either :(. Our RE finally called with the news and wanted to see us in person to go over everything. He still seems optimistic and thinks it will be better to talk in person, right I can't talk to him over the phone without bawling how is this going to be better?

It's a loooong way down

Our hopes were so high for success between our RE telling us everything looked perfect he knew it would work, our nurse telling us she knew we'd have a great outcome, and after all the reading knowing we'd get lucky just like most people on their first attempt with IVF. We put it so high up there we never imagined how much the fall down would hurt.

The RE that did the retrieval called to give us the initial report. When he started the conversation off with "I wish I had better news" I didn't want to hear another thing he had to say. My eyes instantly filled up and my throat lumped up. He said they inseminated five of the embies using ICSI where the place a single sperm into the egg (increases the chances) and none of them made it to fertilization :(. He then said they did two more yesterday and they would watch overnight to see if they take. If they do we will proceed with the transfer when they are ready, if not it's over!

Those were the worst words ever I couldn't believe what he was telling me. He said our RE would call today with the new results and hopefully they'd have a reason as to why this was happening. Having to relay that information to DH broke my heart I didn't want to tell him but knew I had to. I couldn't pretend anymore that it would be ok and they would figure out why and fix it. Because I don't even know if that's possible now. We are crushed by the news and the RE said on the phone the other two they did yesterday might not make it either. We don't even get the chance to finish the IVF now :(.

All we can do now is pray that they find out why and hopefully it's something that can be fixed. Deep down we are still clinging on the hopes of the last two making it and we can actually proceed but know it's probably not reality. After almost three years of TTC, almost a year with the RE, and 6 IUI's, we find this out. I just want answers!!!